On connecting

A male friend of mine recently asked his female friends what they like best in male leads. In so doing he received a litany of replies about how important factors include: technique, timing, connection, smoothness. There was a general outcry though against strong leads, or rather leaders who use force to make a move happen on time, at the expense of the follower's timing, or grace.

Looking for a connection

My position is that what we are looking for on the dance floor is a connection with our partner, an ability to communicate on some level and jointly appreciate the however many minutes we spend in each other's company. It doesn't have to be magical or epic, though certainly those are the dances that bring us undue glee. However, there needs to be some form of exchange, a moment shared, whether it be via a smile, a giggle, a sideways glance, a parallel understanding of the music.

There are many ways in which we can share a dance without sharing a moment. Take for example the guy who wishes to show off to a real or imaginary audience, but forgets that you are there with him. Take the guy who is desperately trying to use the 3,000 moves he's learnt in class, but who is so concentrated on pulling these out his sleeve that he neglects to notice that he's actually practising on a real person rather than the imaginary woman he used in front of his mirror at home. Take finally the performer who is intent on making you run through the choreography for which he learnt the pattern and timing, but not the leading technique. These are all situations that I could do without on the dance floor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends to practise on me. In fact, I love it. But it's not appropriate for them to do this in the middle of the dance floor at a social event!

A perfect lead?

So I don't believe that there is one perfect type of lead in the absolute. Everyone likes something different and we all connect with people in varied ways. We all have our individual preferences, and these evolve. As a beginner, I needed a strong lead - If the man didn't assert himself, I didn't feel like I could trust him. Looking back, I understand that it was also that I didn't trust myself to step in time without a strong guiding hand. As my confidence grew, and my balance improved somewhat, I still looked for a strong lead - the first people who had me doing multiple spins were all strong and smooth leads. I still felt I needed a strong hold as I hadn't yet developed the necessary core muscles to control my own body. Now, years on, I like the lighter leads - I don't need someone to push me around, I'm perfectly capable of spinning and standing and dancing on my own (about time too, as I've definitely had enough practise!).

Another friend calls me the "honest dancer". Indeed, if a move is not led correctly, and I'm not feeling very generous, I often refuse to "help" the guy I'm dancing with (assuming I could have guessed what he wanted me to do in the first place!). If he can't lead clearly, then I will stay where he left me until he comes back to collect me and continue the dance. Often this takes a revolution or two on the guys part, but they eventually come back and lead me, making changes to their rehearsed routine to accommodate both me and their leading technique.

In the same manner, if a guy puts too much tension into his lead, while the natural reaction is to exert the same amount of tension back, I will do the opposite and let my arms go floppy. I still follow, but if he is going to fling me around, there's no reason why I should get injured in the process! Better to let your hand slip out of his grip whenever possible and gently extricate yourself from a potentially arm wrenching position. Throw in a graceful shine or two (if possible) and an encouraging smile and he'll see that you're at least trying (in appearance) to do your part. In the end, both these methods will get the guy to focus on the fact that he has a real woman at the end of his fingertips, as opposed to an imaginary J-Lo made of only air.

Ultimately, I think the dance is about communicating via these signals, although usually they are more subtle than the form I have described above. As I start a dance, I try to be as light as possible. This is all the more important if you do not know your partner. The music usually takes some time to get under way and most guys will start you off with a cross body lead anyway, so there's really no need to hang onto each other for dear life. Imagine you're walking across a dark room feeling for a partner you don't know - you're going to be tentative right, lest you accidentally poke his eye out? Here, it's the same. Well, aside from the major differences of the lights being on, the other couples dancing... but you catch my drift. As you feed off each other, the music grows faster and the moves become more intricate, the connection will grow. Hence, assuming you're both dancing in time with the music and mutually respond to each other's tension, then the dance should be as smooth as butter!

Make no mistake, building this partnership does not come naturally every time you randomly stick two people together on the dance floor. You will find some leads more comfortable than others and your friends may well disagree with you. There will be partners with whom you instantly click and others with whom you have to work harder to build a connection over time (I leave it to you to decide whether it's worth it). There will be people with fantastically clear leads who you ultimately won't really enjoy dancing with - perhaps because they don't ever smile or because they can quite easily lead you as smoothly as you'd dreamed they would, without ever even seeing you. I've danced with a couple of "salsa-celebs" who were exceptionally smooth but lacked any kind of va-va-voom. I was practically jumping up and down screaming for fire, energy, attention, a wisp of a smile, and yet I got NOTHING in return! My only thought after those experiences was "Perhaps I should have worn a mini skirt?". As a professional, you would have thought they would have learnt to fake it before they reached their A-game!

To conclude, I believe that each dance is a conversation and so long as both parties can make a coherent effort to speak the same language, it should be perfectly enjoyable, even if it does not reach the epic heights we so often dream of. Just as with learning any language, this connection that plays out via body movement is something that while some may have natural abilities, everyone can work at. Providing your respect the song's timing and your partner's efforts to lead or follow, fluency is within everyone's reach . Most dancers (I say this to exclude freaks, drunks et al) love dancing, so it's really just a question of figuring out what tickles their smile buttons! Once you've figured that out, up to you to figure out what kind of smile you're looking for.